Every year the Takasakiyama Natural Zoological Garden has itself a bit of fun by letting the general public vote on a name for the year's first new monkey. At last count there are over 1,500 monkeys running in circles, pissing on each others heads and spitting up the wasabi-flavored crackers the kids keep on feeding them. And quite frankly, the zookeepers are having an increasingly hard time coming up with new names. I believe it, I only have three monkeys and by the time the second one was born I was already out of good ideas.

According to this AP article 853 votes were cast, almost a full third of them by the monkeys themselves. Apparently there was a voting surge after the new British princess was named this past Monday, and on Wednesday, once the ballots had all been counted, it was announced that the first Takasakiyama-born monkey of 2015 would be named Charlotte.

An uproar ensued.
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"Please, do something! Demand a recount! Pass a law! File a suit, anything! Just don't name me after a bloody human!"
Zoo officials (who double as monkey cage cleaners) reported that they were " flooded with angry calls and emails " about the decision. The article further states that "many critics said giving the princess' name to a monkey was disrespectful to British royals" and that, "according to zoo official Akira Asano, some said the Japanese people would feel offended if a monkey were named after Japanese princesses."

On the zoo's website the following was posted: "We deeply apologize for causing trouble to many people over the naming of the first baby. We take these opinions seriously."

So seriously, in fact, that they didn't even wait for any input from the British Royals themselves, who, we might rightfully assume, were not even aware of what was going on in the monkey house on the other side of the globe. They've got their own voting riot to contend with right now.

Zoo officials, along with unnamed (at their request) city representatives, are reportedly still discussing what to do about this monkey, now destined for a life of identity crises. Following the time-honored Japanese tradition of not being able to make a decision, "the zoo now plans to seek advice from the British Embassy before making a final decision."

That decision-inspiring piece of advice, I suspect, will go something like "For God's sake, it's a bloody monkey, name it whatever you bloody want you spineless bowing bastards!"


And with that the Japanese will be relieved. This monkey-naming stuff is hard.


*** NOTE: In the days following the initial uproar a few things were decided.
1. William and Kate did not appear to be offended by the naming of the monkey. Such was the assumption since William & Kate did not appear to know about it.
2. The British Embassy in Tokyo had no comment on the matter. Because, we will assume they didn't care about it.
3. The monkey's name will remain Charlotte. A huge relief to all Japanese as no one knew what to do about it.

Source: Just about every newspaper in the world but I'm ready for a beer after all this so here.